Get Busy Livin'...

As I read through the police notes in the Xavier Newswire over a week ago, a particular note happened to catch my eye. According to the student run publication, four "subjects" were reported for trying to move a boulder into the middle of Dana Avenue. While this was obviously an incredibly stupid idea, I still find myself wanting to support the actions of these students. We’re in college (allegedly) and students should be doing stupid shit like this.

Xavier students are increasingly demonstrating Sisyphusian tendencies.

Let’s cut to 20 years in the future. You’re forty-something, sitting at home, watching reruns of Boy Meets World because you feel like something went wrong in your life and you must have misunderstood Mr. Feeny’s lessons. You hate your job, your wife is probably a bitch, and ever since your son, Little Johnny Jr., turned 6 years old he decided that hitting you in the nuts is more entertaining than Sponge Bob. The only thing that will get you through your hellish existence is college memories.

Thank Krishna that you have me here to get your life on track. It’s not too late to create these memories as long as you’re willing to get a little crazy. Get in fights when some douche bag at a party starts to piss you off. Drink so much that you have to talk to your roommates in the morning to figure out how the night ended. Go streaking, smoke weed, spend money you don’t even have, take the walk of shame every once in a while (what's really more shameful: ass from a stranger or your roommate catching you whacking off). Some people even move past 1st base during their college years.

Now I’m not telling you to run through your dorm after you finish reading this, knocking on all the doors until you gather enough people for an orgy. That’s senior type stuff anyway, we’re talking three hundred course level craziness. Just start out slow and don’t be afraid to have fun. Hopefully, if any of you readers (the "readers" I refer to may or may not exist) follow this advice then the police notes will be just a little more interesting in weeks to come. And maybe, just maybe, Xavier student life will follow.

Chinese Food: Deadlier than Bird Flu?

With Xavier’s newest addition to campus dining having recently opened, many students will undoubtedly be trying the Blue Gibbon Chinese Restaurant’s fine cuisine over the next few days. That being said, I feel a few words of warning are necessary to any prospective restaurant goers. Chinese food WILL KILL YOU!

The chopstick is mightier than the sword

According to an Associated Press article “The typical Chinese restaurant menu is a sea of nutritional no-nos...” The article went on to add “A plate of General Tso's chicken, for example, is loaded with about 40 percent more sodium and more than half the calories an average adult needs for an entire day.” I don’t know about you, reader, but I was SHOCKED to find out how unhealthy this particular dining experience may be.

Every time I order the shrimp fried rice from Happy Wok, sure I worry I may get food poisoning. And every time I take a bite of Main Moon’s Mongolian beef, do I know for sure that I’m not consuming a bit of seasoned schnauzer? Of course not. But if you’re trying to tell me that deep fried pieces of chicken covered in a sweet syrupy glaze could be a potential health risk, well I’m just not buying it Miss Bonnie Liebman (nutrition director of the Center for Science in the Public Interest). I refuse to give any more credence to your craziness by supporting your hocus pocus theories.

And as for you China... I knew all along you were stealing our jobs by trying to convince us to outsource to your country. And not just the Mexican type jobs either, but the really good ones too. It also didn’t go unnoticed that you were trying to take over the world with your crazy communist ideas. But if I find out that you are attempting to kill me with your delicious yet deadly food... Well that’ll be the last straw. Until then China, thanks for most of my shoes, my car, and any children’s toy I’ve ever bought that only cost $0.99.

I Know You Are But What Am I???

When I wrote "An Ode To Oden" last night, I never imagined that it would end up on Deadspin.com. Furthermore, I could not have foreseen the outpouring of comments that would spew forth from the internet blogger community. Therefore, I was pleasantly surprised when I read all the comments posted on the both Deadspin as well as Freexavier. I came up with the article name "An Ode To Oden" at the last second before posting not knowing how perfect the name would fit in the end.

The comments that were posted seemed to fall into one of the following categories:
1. You sir are an illiterate assbag as well as a whiny little bitch. Shut the fuck up. (1st place for most common response)
2. FreeXavier is a disgrace to Xavier and you should be ashamed of what you wrote.
3. I agree, it was a flagrant foul and Oden is a douche bag. (I think about 2 people went this route.)

Pro-Ohio St. blog commenters discuss their battle plans

Excitingly enough, I have a response for each of the above groups so here goes.
Group 1: Congratulations. You proved my point better than anyone else. Your vulgar ranting about what an ass I am puts you on the same level as me for writing the article. The only difference is that I angered a lot of you with my words and you humored me with yours. For as angry as some of you got about what I said, I’m glad I could give you that feeling. It’s exactly how Xavier fans felt watching their team lose a game that they obviously deserved to win.
Group 2: Xavier is a Jesuit institution and while attending this school, I have had the pleasure to meet some great individuals who are a lot better human beings than I will ever hope to be. I apologize if you feel I brought shame to you. With that in mind, guess what Oden did... That’s right. Playing in such a thug-like manner disgraced The Ohio State University and it’s fans. It should also bring shame to OSU that they needed to win that way against a team that is extremely untalented according to all the posts I read.
Group 3: When I completed my post I read over it and I said to myself "Wow, this is really over the top." I posted it anyway because it was exactly what I had intended to write and I’m glad you agree with what I said. While I’m about to use this whole experience to prove a point, I would be lying if I acted like my article wasn’t based on what a no talent ass clown I think Greg Oden is.

Alright, so let’s recap what I did with my article. I invoked anger in an opposing schools fans, I took cheap shots at the opposition and I disgraced my own school. That’s why "An Ode To Oden" was such a fitting name for the article. Simply by chance, the article became exactly what Oden is.


A few side notes in response to some posts I read:
- It was a flagrant foul. I don’t see how you can argue that.
- We’ve dominated Dayton so bad in recent years that I think they are starting to like it. I found some latex outfits as well as whips and chains in their closet.
- You can’t bring up how ugly Xavier students are when talking about Greg Oden. I mean really... Have you SEEN Greg Oden?
- Miller should have fouled and I did not address that point because A.) Xavier fans know what loyalty is and B) Thinking about it makes me want to cry.
-Don’t say "Make a fucking foul shot." Justin Cage played one of the greatest basketball games I’ll ever see anyone play. That one foul shot is perhaps the only thing he did wrong all game and he will be missed greatly by Xavier.
- Noone disagreed with, argued with, or even mentioned that I said Adam Morrison is a douche bag. Now that’s strange...

Basketball at Noon is for suckers

So I wake up this morning (or afternoon if youre being technical) around 12:30 PM. I put a lot of intoxicants into my body last night, and when I do this, I'm really only capable of performing two tasks in the morning: pissing and eating Cap'N Crunch. So I go to the kitchen to consume a delicious bowl of Cap'N Crunch, and I see my roommate sitting at the breakfast table watching what appears to be a Xavier basketball game.

I assumed I was still hallucinating from last night, because no reasonably intelligent person would ever schedule a college basketball game at a time where most college students are physically/mentally/emotionally incapacitated. Then I saw Stanley Burrell brick an ill-advised, off-balance jumper, and I realized I was definitely watching a Xavier basketball game.

This guy's not going to be a good basketball fan

So why then, would anyone who works for a college, and would theoretically have some concept of the lifestyle of college students, schedule a basketball game at such an early time? I usually don't like to assume that the Xavier Administration is completely mentally retarded, but sometimes they leave me with no choice. If having a rowdy and boisterous student section is as important to the team's success as everyone claims, why would you schedule a game at a time where most students are hungover (averse to noise) or asleep (averse to most everything)?

If you think he's passing, you're crazy

A college student's main concern in the morning should be determining if the person who they woke up next to is as hot as they thought they were last night. It shouldn't be Sean Miller's bizarre substitution patterns, it shouldn't be Stanley Burrell attempting shots that I wouldn't even try in a game of H-O-R-S-E with my 5 year old cousin, and it certainly shouldn't be the referee's myopia.

You know what Xavier? If you're so worried about having a good, active, loud student section, don't schedule games at noon!

Because if you're gonna make me choose between Cap'N Crunch and Xavier Basketball in the morning, Cap'N Crunch is winning everytime.

Xtreme till the End (or until security yells at us)

Anyone who has been on Xavier’s lovely campus for more than five seconds has undoubtedly seen a myriad of flyers posted around declaring how extreme Xavier’s clubs and groups are and, furthermore, also cleverly leaving the first E off the word extreme so it can start with an X (“Xtreme” for those of you who are a little slow on the uptake). While I do not know how I feel about having more X’s in Xavier club names than on the DVD cases in the box under my bed, I do know how I feel about the accuracy of the word “extreme” in describing our basketball fans.
Extreme, I feel, is an Xceptionally strong word to use to describe our spirit group. That being said, I do not think “Xtreme Fans” is solely to blame for the lack of Xcitation that our crowd displays. There are other key factors in play that keep the student section unXtreme. For one, the security guards play too large a role in the patrolling of the student section. Granted, if any disgruntled Xavier fan ever tried to assassinate D’artagnan, I feel confident that the XUPD would take a bullet for that big foam avenger quicker than anyone. However, when the student section so much as whispers the word “crap,” it seems like the student who spoke such unfiltered filth becomes seconds away from ejection. Every time the students chant “Score, Jesuits, Score” I feel that the security guards fear we are angering the Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, and worst of all Hindus (that shit will come back to bite you in the ass in your next life) and that the cheer will be squelched immediately.
Another issue I have is the inability to rush the court. I remember after defeating both Dayton and UC at Cintas over the past few years, the security guards stopped students who tried to jump over the metal gates. They then gave the students a stern talking to about how we should know better. We either need to accept such behavior as the collegiate way of life or else designate an area in Cintas for timeouts. With the latter of the two scenarios, at least we would have somewhere to put Stanley when he misses his 9th three in a row.
The moral of the story for “Xtreme Fans”: Keep up the good work and don’t be held down by the man! Michael Richards may disagree about that last part but don’t let that worry you. Stay strong and cheer the Muskies to victory. Until next time it’s “All for one, and one for all.”

SAC/SGA should buy us beer

I am a college student.
I have a limited amount of money.
I am currently hungry.
I drink a lot of beer.
These statements are directly related.

A major component of college life is the consumption of cheap/bad food. Its not like college students have a lot of options when we have a budget of roughly $2 per meal. College students have to be frugal with their food choices, as there are a lot of other things we have to purchase. Of course, when I say "a lot of things" I really mean "beer."

Fig. 1.1 A typical lunch for college students

However, Xavier's Student Government Association (SGA) and Student Activities Council (SAC) seem to have quite a bit of money that they apparently have no idea what to do with. How else would one explain this announcement on the portal:

A Xavier Christmas will be held on Monday, 12/4 beginning at 4:30pm. A live nativity scene with petting zoo animals will be on the greenspace from 4:30-6:30pm; luminaries, free hot coffee and cocoa at 5pm and Gospel Choir performance and speakers Steven Bentley and Father Graham at 5:30pm. Join us inside GSC after the lighting of the Sally Watson tree for pictures with Santa for $1 and free soup.

Just to clarify, SGA/SAC has paid money in order to bring petting zoo animals to a college campus. While I'm sure this would be a smash hit if Xavier had a kindergarten program, I don't necessarily see this event being that popular unless it involved students getting drunk and riding llamas around the greenspace. Unfortunately, this is probably not realistic, and the most exciting thing that will probably happen at this petting zoo/nativity scene is a goat defecating.

Fig. 1.2 A defecating goat

Instead of using their money to purchase defecating goats, SGA/SAC should give students beer. That way, we would be able to use the money in our respective beer funds to purchase food that isn't made from the spare parts of a pig. Its really a win-win for everyone, especially the guy who has to clean up goat shit.

Rocks Don't Get Sympathy From Glass Houses

After picking up the latest publication of "The Xavier Newswire" this week, there was one article that caught my eye in particular. In the Op-Ed section of the paper, a student wrote in to comment on Xavier's efforts in catering to the GLBT community at Xavier. While the student acknowledged that Xavier has taken steps to accommodate this group of bacon sandwich loving students, he felt that it was possible for more to be done. The complete article entitled "Doing our best?" can be found at "The Xavier Newswire" website and here’s how I feel about it.
First off, let’s have a quick lesson about knowing the audience you are petitioning. I never once heard of Hitler asking for prayers or money from a Jew. Both requests would be ludicrous and, obviously, not granted. That being said, it clearly sounds like a good idea to write into Xavier’s school paper asking for more support for the Catholic church’s favorite thing: homosexuality. (Please overlook recent scandals and take the previous comment as extreme sarcasm.)
Xavier already supports "The Alliance," a group that is "the primary forum for discussion and education of gay issues on campus, as well as being a useful resource for students, faculty, and staff." Hopes that a Catholic institution would more than simply allow efforts for the acceptance of homosexuals in our society either means that you aren’t that intelligent or else you think the Catholic church isn’t that intelligent (It’s really a toss up at this point.)
Furthermore, I recall living in the dorms freshman year and taking a survey where I was asked to state my gender. The options were as follows:
1. Male
2. Female
3. Transgender
4. OTHER!
Xavier University is willing to let the hermaphroditic she-males among us have a voice and that’s not sympathetic enough? My computer, as I type this, doesn’t even understand the word transgender! I have squiggly red lines all over the place because apparently Bill Gates is an unsympathetic, homophobic billionaire.
At this point I need to clarify that I do not hate homosexuals and I definitely enjoy a good BLT from time to time. That being said, let’s not be so touchy about everything. The Alliance doesn’t have it’s own office space because there’s no room right now at Xavier. The group was formed in 2001 and isn’t quite top priority yet. If Xavier really was against homosexuals, they would give The Alliance a really nice office far off campus. Then, they wouldn’t have to see any of you nearly as often as they do now. Society’s acceptance of homosexuals is still in the process. Keep doing what you’re doing and it will all work out one day. Until then, it’s "All for one, and one for all."