I Know You Are But What Am I???

When I wrote "An Ode To Oden" last night, I never imagined that it would end up on Deadspin.com. Furthermore, I could not have foreseen the outpouring of comments that would spew forth from the internet blogger community. Therefore, I was pleasantly surprised when I read all the comments posted on the both Deadspin as well as Freexavier. I came up with the article name "An Ode To Oden" at the last second before posting not knowing how perfect the name would fit in the end.

The comments that were posted seemed to fall into one of the following categories:
1. You sir are an illiterate assbag as well as a whiny little bitch. Shut the fuck up. (1st place for most common response)
2. FreeXavier is a disgrace to Xavier and you should be ashamed of what you wrote.
3. I agree, it was a flagrant foul and Oden is a douche bag. (I think about 2 people went this route.)

Pro-Ohio St. blog commenters discuss their battle plans

Excitingly enough, I have a response for each of the above groups so here goes.
Group 1: Congratulations. You proved my point better than anyone else. Your vulgar ranting about what an ass I am puts you on the same level as me for writing the article. The only difference is that I angered a lot of you with my words and you humored me with yours. For as angry as some of you got about what I said, I’m glad I could give you that feeling. It’s exactly how Xavier fans felt watching their team lose a game that they obviously deserved to win.
Group 2: Xavier is a Jesuit institution and while attending this school, I have had the pleasure to meet some great individuals who are a lot better human beings than I will ever hope to be. I apologize if you feel I brought shame to you. With that in mind, guess what Oden did... That’s right. Playing in such a thug-like manner disgraced The Ohio State University and it’s fans. It should also bring shame to OSU that they needed to win that way against a team that is extremely untalented according to all the posts I read.
Group 3: When I completed my post I read over it and I said to myself "Wow, this is really over the top." I posted it anyway because it was exactly what I had intended to write and I’m glad you agree with what I said. While I’m about to use this whole experience to prove a point, I would be lying if I acted like my article wasn’t based on what a no talent ass clown I think Greg Oden is.

Alright, so let’s recap what I did with my article. I invoked anger in an opposing schools fans, I took cheap shots at the opposition and I disgraced my own school. That’s why "An Ode To Oden" was such a fitting name for the article. Simply by chance, the article became exactly what Oden is.


A few side notes in response to some posts I read:
- It was a flagrant foul. I don’t see how you can argue that.
- We’ve dominated Dayton so bad in recent years that I think they are starting to like it. I found some latex outfits as well as whips and chains in their closet.
- You can’t bring up how ugly Xavier students are when talking about Greg Oden. I mean really... Have you SEEN Greg Oden?
- Miller should have fouled and I did not address that point because A.) Xavier fans know what loyalty is and B) Thinking about it makes me want to cry.
-Don’t say "Make a fucking foul shot." Justin Cage played one of the greatest basketball games I’ll ever see anyone play. That one foul shot is perhaps the only thing he did wrong all game and he will be missed greatly by Xavier.
- Noone disagreed with, argued with, or even mentioned that I said Adam Morrison is a douche bag. Now that’s strange...

An Ode to Oden

Dear Mr. Oden,

You are a big ugly untalented piece of shit. Just because Thad Matta likes it rough when you give it to him up the ass does not give you the right to rough people up in the same manner on the basketball court. I hope you have an allergic reaction to the lube you and your boyfriend use in your next homosexual love fest. There is no doubt in my mind you will follow in the footsteps of the last alleged superstar to face Xavier in the tournament (Adam “douche bag” Morrison) and go on to be one of the worst players in the NBA. Let’s look at the overwhelming similarities already present.

Mr. Oden reminds the lady in pink of her last boyfriend.

Similarity #1: If we are all created in the image and likeness of God, you both were most likely modeled after his taint.

Similarity #2: You are both cheap little bitches on the court. I’m talking Made in Taiwan cheap, dirty smelly hooker cheap, maybe even as cheap as Zoe Oden (that’s his mom for those keeping score at home). In fact, I bet that is why your parents got divorced Greg. Your dad didn’t like her job. I don’t mean to say that it bothered him that she is a dirty whore, just that she was only pulling down $0.75 a day doing it. I can imagine her standing on the corner, perfecting her sales pitch. “Fuck the starving children in third world countries, for just 75 cents a day you can pop this pussy.”

Similarity #3: Neither of you will ever amount to anything. I really hope you do leave for the NBA draft after this year not aware of what an untalented son of a whore you are only to beome the biggest disappointment in the history of OSU. You will undoubtedly do nothing in your life other than break Maurice Clarett’s record as the largest fuck up in your piece of shit school’s history. Then again, why not leave for the NBA. It isn’t like you are you going to learn anything in college anyway. After all, that is why they teach people to read at an early age... It’s a lot harder to pick up later on in life.

Hopefully, you will find someone you can trust to read your contract to you before you sign with any NBA teams. My only advice to you: Don’t pick Thad Matta. Even if you two like to experiment in bed, I guarantee he will fuck you in the ass in a way you didn’t even know was possible.

Sincerely,
Aramis Muskie

P.S. By no means do I have any intention of offending any member of the gay community by comparing them to Greg Oden. I would never want to do such a horrible thing.

Basketball at Noon is for suckers

So I wake up this morning (or afternoon if youre being technical) around 12:30 PM. I put a lot of intoxicants into my body last night, and when I do this, I'm really only capable of performing two tasks in the morning: pissing and eating Cap'N Crunch. So I go to the kitchen to consume a delicious bowl of Cap'N Crunch, and I see my roommate sitting at the breakfast table watching what appears to be a Xavier basketball game.

I assumed I was still hallucinating from last night, because no reasonably intelligent person would ever schedule a college basketball game at a time where most college students are physically/mentally/emotionally incapacitated. Then I saw Stanley Burrell brick an ill-advised, off-balance jumper, and I realized I was definitely watching a Xavier basketball game.

This guy's not going to be a good basketball fan

So why then, would anyone who works for a college, and would theoretically have some concept of the lifestyle of college students, schedule a basketball game at such an early time? I usually don't like to assume that the Xavier Administration is completely mentally retarded, but sometimes they leave me with no choice. If having a rowdy and boisterous student section is as important to the team's success as everyone claims, why would you schedule a game at a time where most students are hungover (averse to noise) or asleep (averse to most everything)?

If you think he's passing, you're crazy

A college student's main concern in the morning should be determining if the person who they woke up next to is as hot as they thought they were last night. It shouldn't be Sean Miller's bizarre substitution patterns, it shouldn't be Stanley Burrell attempting shots that I wouldn't even try in a game of H-O-R-S-E with my 5 year old cousin, and it certainly shouldn't be the referee's myopia.

You know what Xavier? If you're so worried about having a good, active, loud student section, don't schedule games at noon!

Because if you're gonna make me choose between Cap'N Crunch and Xavier Basketball in the morning, Cap'N Crunch is winning everytime.

Xtreme till the End (or until security yells at us)

Anyone who has been on Xavier’s lovely campus for more than five seconds has undoubtedly seen a myriad of flyers posted around declaring how extreme Xavier’s clubs and groups are and, furthermore, also cleverly leaving the first E off the word extreme so it can start with an X (“Xtreme” for those of you who are a little slow on the uptake). While I do not know how I feel about having more X’s in Xavier club names than on the DVD cases in the box under my bed, I do know how I feel about the accuracy of the word “extreme” in describing our basketball fans.
Extreme, I feel, is an Xceptionally strong word to use to describe our spirit group. That being said, I do not think “Xtreme Fans” is solely to blame for the lack of Xcitation that our crowd displays. There are other key factors in play that keep the student section unXtreme. For one, the security guards play too large a role in the patrolling of the student section. Granted, if any disgruntled Xavier fan ever tried to assassinate D’artagnan, I feel confident that the XUPD would take a bullet for that big foam avenger quicker than anyone. However, when the student section so much as whispers the word “crap,” it seems like the student who spoke such unfiltered filth becomes seconds away from ejection. Every time the students chant “Score, Jesuits, Score” I feel that the security guards fear we are angering the Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, and worst of all Hindus (that shit will come back to bite you in the ass in your next life) and that the cheer will be squelched immediately.
Another issue I have is the inability to rush the court. I remember after defeating both Dayton and UC at Cintas over the past few years, the security guards stopped students who tried to jump over the metal gates. They then gave the students a stern talking to about how we should know better. We either need to accept such behavior as the collegiate way of life or else designate an area in Cintas for timeouts. With the latter of the two scenarios, at least we would have somewhere to put Stanley when he misses his 9th three in a row.
The moral of the story for “Xtreme Fans”: Keep up the good work and don’t be held down by the man! Michael Richards may disagree about that last part but don’t let that worry you. Stay strong and cheer the Muskies to victory. Until next time it’s “All for one, and one for all.”