Saturday, December 2, 2006

Inefficiency at its Finest

After watching yet another Xavier basketball win today, I have come to the conclusion that the new Xavier commercials are completely worthless. Because I can, here is a point by point break down on why the commercial is ineffective:
  • Students: What students do they show in this commercial? Other than the token black or Asian student, the only students they show are in the drawings for how the campus will look in 10 years. How about showing more than one student in the commercial? Xavier could actually look more diverse if we showed multiple students around the campus Xavier has today.

A 'real' representation of Xavier students

  • Campus: Question, does Xavier have a real campus? The answer is yes but because of this amazing recruiting commercial people would think otherwise. The powers that be at X thought it would be a great idea to show what our beautiful campus will look like in the future. If there is one thing I learned in my marketing and advertising classes it is to sell what you have and not what you don’t have. But I guess these simple rules of the market don’t apply to Xavier or they would actually show the campus we have today.

Now there was more, but out of frustration of a crappy commercial, I said screw it. So instead I've decided to recreate what I believe a conversation would be between a prosprective student and his or her parent after they watched that commercial:

Parent: Wow, Xavier looks like a great school sweetheart, you should really check them out.
Apathetic Teen: You can't be serious.
Parent: Of course I am dear, it looked like Xavier has a lot to offer.
Apathetic Teen: That didn't show us anything. All it was, was drawings and a token Asian.
Parent: But those drawings where nice, plus it shows what Xavier will look like in a few years.
Apathetic Teen: Oh, so I'm not going to be at X when all of that is completed. Well if that's the case then, I'd rather go somewhere else.

See Xavier administration, you are already loosing fake prospective students, think about what is happening to real prospective students. I do have some advice for you administration if you are so set in keeping this commercial. My advice is to show it to kids in grade school, mainly because it would allow them to see what Xavier will look like if they decide to come to our poorly managed school.

Basketball at Noon is for suckers

So I wake up this morning (or afternoon if youre being technical) around 12:30 PM. I put a lot of intoxicants into my body last night, and when I do this, I'm really only capable of performing two tasks in the morning: pissing and eating Cap'N Crunch. So I go to the kitchen to consume a delicious bowl of Cap'N Crunch, and I see my roommate sitting at the breakfast table watching what appears to be a Xavier basketball game.

I assumed I was still hallucinating from last night, because no reasonably intelligent person would ever schedule a college basketball game at a time where most college students are physically/mentally/emotionally incapacitated. Then I saw Stanley Burrell brick an ill-advised, off-balance jumper, and I realized I was definitely watching a Xavier basketball game.

This guy's not going to be a good basketball fan

So why then, would anyone who works for a college, and would theoretically have some concept of the lifestyle of college students, schedule a basketball game at such an early time? I usually don't like to assume that the Xavier Administration is completely mentally retarded, but sometimes they leave me with no choice. If having a rowdy and boisterous student section is as important to the team's success as everyone claims, why would you schedule a game at a time where most students are hungover (averse to noise) or asleep (averse to most everything)?

If you think he's passing, you're crazy

A college student's main concern in the morning should be determining if the person who they woke up next to is as hot as they thought they were last night. It shouldn't be Sean Miller's bizarre substitution patterns, it shouldn't be Stanley Burrell attempting shots that I wouldn't even try in a game of H-O-R-S-E with my 5 year old cousin, and it certainly shouldn't be the referee's myopia.

You know what Xavier? If you're so worried about having a good, active, loud student section, don't schedule games at noon!

Because if you're gonna make me choose between Cap'N Crunch and Xavier Basketball in the morning, Cap'N Crunch is winning everytime.

Xtreme till the End (or until security yells at us)

Anyone who has been on Xavier’s lovely campus for more than five seconds has undoubtedly seen a myriad of flyers posted around declaring how extreme Xavier’s clubs and groups are and, furthermore, also cleverly leaving the first E off the word extreme so it can start with an X (“Xtreme” for those of you who are a little slow on the uptake). While I do not know how I feel about having more X’s in Xavier club names than on the DVD cases in the box under my bed, I do know how I feel about the accuracy of the word “extreme” in describing our basketball fans.
Extreme, I feel, is an Xceptionally strong word to use to describe our spirit group. That being said, I do not think “Xtreme Fans” is solely to blame for the lack of Xcitation that our crowd displays. There are other key factors in play that keep the student section unXtreme. For one, the security guards play too large a role in the patrolling of the student section. Granted, if any disgruntled Xavier fan ever tried to assassinate D’artagnan, I feel confident that the XUPD would take a bullet for that big foam avenger quicker than anyone. However, when the student section so much as whispers the word “crap,” it seems like the student who spoke such unfiltered filth becomes seconds away from ejection. Every time the students chant “Score, Jesuits, Score” I feel that the security guards fear we are angering the Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, and worst of all Hindus (that shit will come back to bite you in the ass in your next life) and that the cheer will be squelched immediately.
Another issue I have is the inability to rush the court. I remember after defeating both Dayton and UC at Cintas over the past few years, the security guards stopped students who tried to jump over the metal gates. They then gave the students a stern talking to about how we should know better. We either need to accept such behavior as the collegiate way of life or else designate an area in Cintas for timeouts. With the latter of the two scenarios, at least we would have somewhere to put Stanley when he misses his 9th three in a row.
The moral of the story for “Xtreme Fans”: Keep up the good work and don’t be held down by the man! Michael Richards may disagree about that last part but don’t let that worry you. Stay strong and cheer the Muskies to victory. Until next time it’s “All for one, and one for all.”