Saturday, March 24, 2007

Get Busy Livin'...

As I read through the police notes in the Xavier Newswire over a week ago, a particular note happened to catch my eye. According to the student run publication, four "subjects" were reported for trying to move a boulder into the middle of Dana Avenue. While this was obviously an incredibly stupid idea, I still find myself wanting to support the actions of these students. We’re in college (allegedly) and students should be doing stupid shit like this.

Xavier students are increasingly demonstrating Sisyphusian tendencies.

Let’s cut to 20 years in the future. You’re forty-something, sitting at home, watching reruns of Boy Meets World because you feel like something went wrong in your life and you must have misunderstood Mr. Feeny’s lessons. You hate your job, your wife is probably a bitch, and ever since your son, Little Johnny Jr., turned 6 years old he decided that hitting you in the nuts is more entertaining than Sponge Bob. The only thing that will get you through your hellish existence is college memories.

Thank Krishna that you have me here to get your life on track. It’s not too late to create these memories as long as you’re willing to get a little crazy. Get in fights when some douche bag at a party starts to piss you off. Drink so much that you have to talk to your roommates in the morning to figure out how the night ended. Go streaking, smoke weed, spend money you don’t even have, take the walk of shame every once in a while (what's really more shameful: ass from a stranger or your roommate catching you whacking off). Some people even move past 1st base during their college years.

Now I’m not telling you to run through your dorm after you finish reading this, knocking on all the doors until you gather enough people for an orgy. That’s senior type stuff anyway, we’re talking three hundred course level craziness. Just start out slow and don’t be afraid to have fun. Hopefully, if any of you readers (the "readers" I refer to may or may not exist) follow this advice then the police notes will be just a little more interesting in weeks to come. And maybe, just maybe, Xavier student life will follow.

People still care what we think?

As you can see from an editorial published in this week's Xavier Newswire, people are still talking about us, spefically "An Ode to Oden."

We could say more about this, but we figure that since this editorial is like the first supportive thing we've read about ourselves thus far, we'll try and let it speak for itself.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Chinese Food: Deadlier than Bird Flu?

With Xavier’s newest addition to campus dining having recently opened, many students will undoubtedly be trying the Blue Gibbon Chinese Restaurant’s fine cuisine over the next few days. That being said, I feel a few words of warning are necessary to any prospective restaurant goers. Chinese food WILL KILL YOU!

The chopstick is mightier than the sword

According to an Associated Press article “The typical Chinese restaurant menu is a sea of nutritional no-nos...” The article went on to add “A plate of General Tso's chicken, for example, is loaded with about 40 percent more sodium and more than half the calories an average adult needs for an entire day.” I don’t know about you, reader, but I was SHOCKED to find out how unhealthy this particular dining experience may be.

Every time I order the shrimp fried rice from Happy Wok, sure I worry I may get food poisoning. And every time I take a bite of Main Moon’s Mongolian beef, do I know for sure that I’m not consuming a bit of seasoned schnauzer? Of course not. But if you’re trying to tell me that deep fried pieces of chicken covered in a sweet syrupy glaze could be a potential health risk, well I’m just not buying it Miss Bonnie Liebman (nutrition director of the Center for Science in the Public Interest). I refuse to give any more credence to your craziness by supporting your hocus pocus theories.

And as for you China... I knew all along you were stealing our jobs by trying to convince us to outsource to your country. And not just the Mexican type jobs either, but the really good ones too. It also didn’t go unnoticed that you were trying to take over the world with your crazy communist ideas. But if I find out that you are attempting to kill me with your delicious yet deadly food... Well that’ll be the last straw. Until then China, thanks for most of my shoes, my car, and any children’s toy I’ve ever bought that only cost $0.99.

It's all downhill from here probably

I know Aramis just promised there would be no more posts relating to "An Ode to Oden," but frankly, that'd be like telling Trent Dilfer to talk about something besides winning the Super Bowl.

Anyway, over the last few days, while I've been trying to reconcile myself with the fact that more than 5 people visited this blog, I've been doing a lot of soul searching. And by soul searching I mean trying to determine the answer to the question, "If FreeXavier was a musical group, what musical group would it be?"

After contemplating this for 3 seconds, the answer seems obvious. The muscial group equivalent to FreeXavier is....

If you think about it, it makes perfect sense. An obscure group, who out of nowhere, gets enormous attention for something small, and never had a prayer of repeating that level of success/popularity. Though I guess if anyone were to actually think about any of this, they'd probably be committing suicide within the hour due to the overwhelming patheticness of their existence.


I can't deny it, I'm a blog writer, You don't wanna blog with me

I hope to be done talking about the "Ode to Oden" article after this post but why not take one last look at it in order to make fun of some people stupid enough to disagree with me on my own blog. I mean really, did you think you would get away with it? A big "Thank you" goes out to, Musketeer Madness, and FlyersFieldhouse for the free publicity for our relatively unknown site.

We have mad street cred now yo.

- Allflyernamesaregone on Flyers Fieldhouse had this to say: "Homophobia and stupidity...well, what else would you expect from a Xavier fan."
Well Allflyer, I personally would expect an ass beating as part of the XU-UD tradition as of late. I’d also expect that the Xavier fan was doing my girl friend because if I went to UD I’d be far too drunk 99% of the time to keep up a meaningful relationship. The latter is actually a compliment. Seriously... Xavier needs more parties.

- An anonymous poster on FreeXavier said: "You are the lowest form of life. I can see that you make a sick attempt to be edgy and funny but, it was completely out of line and not funny. Do us all a favor and take a good hard look at yourself in mirror and do some soul searching. We have enough unfunny keyboard tough guys on the internet."
Excellent anonymous advice. I tried to look "in mirror" at myself and do some soul searching. Unfortunately, being the lowest form of life, I am some kind of one prokaryotic cell who is incapable of both. Sucks to be me.

- Another anonymous individual on Free Xavier posted: "Maybe if your coach knew his elbows from his asshole he would have fouled after the miss free throw..."
Funny you mentioned this. Just the other day I accidentally opened an occupied stall in Xavier’s student center only to find a student kneeling in front of the toilet, elbows extended over the bowl trying to take a crap. Apparently, it isn’t just our coach who is afflicted with this horrible condition.

- TheGreatOne posted this comment on "Xavier is jealous because most of their women have facial hair like Oden and none of the basketball talent."
That is a flat out LIE! Quite a few of our female students are very athletic including on the basketball court.

-BigTenObsession responded to a comment by the blogger Lady Andrea by saying: "Andie, any time you mention the word 'job' you make a lot of boys happy."
I still don’t get why people think bloggers are creepy, lonely guys who live with their parents and do nothing but sit in front of a computer all day long. Damn stereotypes.

- The bloggers of Musketeer Madness had... absolutely nothing worthwhile to say on the topic. The exception here is Chris Burch. He supports us apparently while still understanding that we here at FreeXavier are a bunch of idiots who aren’t trying to change the world, just make fun of some people. He gets it... Why can’t the rest of you?

And to those of you who were completely outraged by our blog, thank you for voicing your outrage thereby keeping the discussions on the various websites alive so that more people could read our blog and in turn be outraged which resulted in more posts of anger and outrage and... O my God! How do I finish this sentence???

Has anyone seen Porthos?

Has anyone seen anyone resembling this caricature of our anonymous blogger?

The other night, while Aramis and I were reveling in the glory of being lambasted by mostly illiterate, hypersensitive OSU fans, we got a little bit carried away, and we lost track of our colleauge, Porthos. We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause anyone, but it looks like this is going to be a two musketeer show for awhile. Though I guess for like 4 months it was a 0 musketeer show. I'm sure you'll cope.

Porthos is about 6 ft. tall and dresses like a 18th Century French soldier (he especially likes the crotch-hugging pants, as depicted above). Any help you could provide in this matter would be appreciated.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

I Know You Are But What Am I???

When I wrote "An Ode To Oden" last night, I never imagined that it would end up on Furthermore, I could not have foreseen the outpouring of comments that would spew forth from the internet blogger community. Therefore, I was pleasantly surprised when I read all the comments posted on the both Deadspin as well as Freexavier. I came up with the article name "An Ode To Oden" at the last second before posting not knowing how perfect the name would fit in the end.

The comments that were posted seemed to fall into one of the following categories:
1. You sir are an illiterate assbag as well as a whiny little bitch. Shut the fuck up. (1st place for most common response)
2. FreeXavier is a disgrace to Xavier and you should be ashamed of what you wrote.
3. I agree, it was a flagrant foul and Oden is a douche bag. (I think about 2 people went this route.)

Pro-Ohio St. blog commenters discuss their battle plans

Excitingly enough, I have a response for each of the above groups so here goes.
Group 1: Congratulations. You proved my point better than anyone else. Your vulgar ranting about what an ass I am puts you on the same level as me for writing the article. The only difference is that I angered a lot of you with my words and you humored me with yours. For as angry as some of you got about what I said, I’m glad I could give you that feeling. It’s exactly how Xavier fans felt watching their team lose a game that they obviously deserved to win.
Group 2: Xavier is a Jesuit institution and while attending this school, I have had the pleasure to meet some great individuals who are a lot better human beings than I will ever hope to be. I apologize if you feel I brought shame to you. With that in mind, guess what Oden did... That’s right. Playing in such a thug-like manner disgraced The Ohio State University and it’s fans. It should also bring shame to OSU that they needed to win that way against a team that is extremely untalented according to all the posts I read.
Group 3: When I completed my post I read over it and I said to myself "Wow, this is really over the top." I posted it anyway because it was exactly what I had intended to write and I’m glad you agree with what I said. While I’m about to use this whole experience to prove a point, I would be lying if I acted like my article wasn’t based on what a no talent ass clown I think Greg Oden is.

Alright, so let’s recap what I did with my article. I invoked anger in an opposing schools fans, I took cheap shots at the opposition and I disgraced my own school. That’s why "An Ode To Oden" was such a fitting name for the article. Simply by chance, the article became exactly what Oden is.

A few side notes in response to some posts I read:
- It was a flagrant foul. I don’t see how you can argue that.
- We’ve dominated Dayton so bad in recent years that I think they are starting to like it. I found some latex outfits as well as whips and chains in their closet.
- You can’t bring up how ugly Xavier students are when talking about Greg Oden. I mean really... Have you SEEN Greg Oden?
- Miller should have fouled and I did not address that point because A.) Xavier fans know what loyalty is and B) Thinking about it makes me want to cry.
-Don’t say "Make a fucking foul shot." Justin Cage played one of the greatest basketball games I’ll ever see anyone play. That one foul shot is perhaps the only thing he did wrong all game and he will be missed greatly by Xavier.
- Noone disagreed with, argued with, or even mentioned that I said Adam Morrison is a douche bag. Now that’s strange...