Saturday, December 2, 2006

Inefficiency at its Finest

After watching yet another Xavier basketball win today, I have come to the conclusion that the new Xavier commercials are completely worthless. Because I can, here is a point by point break down on why the commercial is ineffective:
  • Students: What students do they show in this commercial? Other than the token black or Asian student, the only students they show are in the drawings for how the campus will look in 10 years. How about showing more than one student in the commercial? Xavier could actually look more diverse if we showed multiple students around the campus Xavier has today.

A 'real' representation of Xavier students

  • Campus: Question, does Xavier have a real campus? The answer is yes but because of this amazing recruiting commercial people would think otherwise. The powers that be at X thought it would be a great idea to show what our beautiful campus will look like in the future. If there is one thing I learned in my marketing and advertising classes it is to sell what you have and not what you don’t have. But I guess these simple rules of the market don’t apply to Xavier or they would actually show the campus we have today.

Now there was more, but out of frustration of a crappy commercial, I said screw it. So instead I've decided to recreate what I believe a conversation would be between a prosprective student and his or her parent after they watched that commercial:

Parent: Wow, Xavier looks like a great school sweetheart, you should really check them out.
Apathetic Teen: You can't be serious.
Parent: Of course I am dear, it looked like Xavier has a lot to offer.
Apathetic Teen: That didn't show us anything. All it was, was drawings and a token Asian.
Parent: But those drawings where nice, plus it shows what Xavier will look like in a few years.
Apathetic Teen: Oh, so I'm not going to be at X when all of that is completed. Well if that's the case then, I'd rather go somewhere else.

See Xavier administration, you are already loosing fake prospective students, think about what is happening to real prospective students. I do have some advice for you administration if you are so set in keeping this commercial. My advice is to show it to kids in grade school, mainly because it would allow them to see what Xavier will look like if they decide to come to our poorly managed school.

Basketball at Noon is for suckers

So I wake up this morning (or afternoon if youre being technical) around 12:30 PM. I put a lot of intoxicants into my body last night, and when I do this, I'm really only capable of performing two tasks in the morning: pissing and eating Cap'N Crunch. So I go to the kitchen to consume a delicious bowl of Cap'N Crunch, and I see my roommate sitting at the breakfast table watching what appears to be a Xavier basketball game.

I assumed I was still hallucinating from last night, because no reasonably intelligent person would ever schedule a college basketball game at a time where most college students are physically/mentally/emotionally incapacitated. Then I saw Stanley Burrell brick an ill-advised, off-balance jumper, and I realized I was definitely watching a Xavier basketball game.

This guy's not going to be a good basketball fan

So why then, would anyone who works for a college, and would theoretically have some concept of the lifestyle of college students, schedule a basketball game at such an early time? I usually don't like to assume that the Xavier Administration is completely mentally retarded, but sometimes they leave me with no choice. If having a rowdy and boisterous student section is as important to the team's success as everyone claims, why would you schedule a game at a time where most students are hungover (averse to noise) or asleep (averse to most everything)?

If you think he's passing, you're crazy

A college student's main concern in the morning should be determining if the person who they woke up next to is as hot as they thought they were last night. It shouldn't be Sean Miller's bizarre substitution patterns, it shouldn't be Stanley Burrell attempting shots that I wouldn't even try in a game of H-O-R-S-E with my 5 year old cousin, and it certainly shouldn't be the referee's myopia.

You know what Xavier? If you're so worried about having a good, active, loud student section, don't schedule games at noon!

Because if you're gonna make me choose between Cap'N Crunch and Xavier Basketball in the morning, Cap'N Crunch is winning everytime.

Xtreme till the End (or until security yells at us)

Anyone who has been on Xavier’s lovely campus for more than five seconds has undoubtedly seen a myriad of flyers posted around declaring how extreme Xavier’s clubs and groups are and, furthermore, also cleverly leaving the first E off the word extreme so it can start with an X (“Xtreme” for those of you who are a little slow on the uptake). While I do not know how I feel about having more X’s in Xavier club names than on the DVD cases in the box under my bed, I do know how I feel about the accuracy of the word “extreme” in describing our basketball fans.
Extreme, I feel, is an Xceptionally strong word to use to describe our spirit group. That being said, I do not think “Xtreme Fans” is solely to blame for the lack of Xcitation that our crowd displays. There are other key factors in play that keep the student section unXtreme. For one, the security guards play too large a role in the patrolling of the student section. Granted, if any disgruntled Xavier fan ever tried to assassinate D’artagnan, I feel confident that the XUPD would take a bullet for that big foam avenger quicker than anyone. However, when the student section so much as whispers the word “crap,” it seems like the student who spoke such unfiltered filth becomes seconds away from ejection. Every time the students chant “Score, Jesuits, Score” I feel that the security guards fear we are angering the Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, and worst of all Hindus (that shit will come back to bite you in the ass in your next life) and that the cheer will be squelched immediately.
Another issue I have is the inability to rush the court. I remember after defeating both Dayton and UC at Cintas over the past few years, the security guards stopped students who tried to jump over the metal gates. They then gave the students a stern talking to about how we should know better. We either need to accept such behavior as the collegiate way of life or else designate an area in Cintas for timeouts. With the latter of the two scenarios, at least we would have somewhere to put Stanley when he misses his 9th three in a row.
The moral of the story for “Xtreme Fans”: Keep up the good work and don’t be held down by the man! Michael Richards may disagree about that last part but don’t let that worry you. Stay strong and cheer the Muskies to victory. Until next time it’s “All for one, and one for all.”

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

A List of Grievances

My fellow students,

I love Xavier, I really do, but as of late Xavier has been starting to piss me off. I find that the powers that be are not serving the students as fully as they could and should. So with the spirit of Martin Luther running through my veins, I write to you my list of grievances:

· Cheerleaders: What is the purpose of this fake smiling group? They don’t lead. No one in the student section listens to what they are cheering. The only thing the cheerleaders are good for is making the crowd cheer louder so we can drown out their inane ramblings. The cheerleaders should be called cheerfollowers because of this. Also, what’s with that midget? There should be a height restriction for all cheerleaders. So I propose that all cheerleaders should reach a minimum height of 5’7”. This would take care of the midget cheerleader as well as those twins, because everyone knows that those two can’t cheer worth shit.

· SGA: If there is one thing in this world that pisses me off, it is pretentious pricks. And SGA as a whole is full of them. Why are you all dressed up? What does have to do with anything? Just because you deal with a lot of money doesn’t mean you have to dress like a tool. Here is an idea, dress like a normal student and then people will respect you because god knows, no one does now.

· SAC: I first must state, SAC has done a great job of bringing in top talent to Xavier for entertainment but it is how SAC members act at these big name shows that makes me mad. Attention SAC members, you all are volunteers and that is great, but that doesn’t give you the right to sit on your asses at concerts and shows in the first 3 rows. Just because you gave up of your time to help set up doesn’t mean you get to do nothing when Trey Anastasio and Guster are performing. If you want to do something for students, how about you raffle off those front row seats to real fans. It would allow you to help fund other concerts in the future as well as form a better relationship with the students.

· Black Greek Society: This is just unnecessary. The administration of Xavier uses the excuse of multiple clubs and organizations to not allow a Greek system to be on campus, yet the Office of Multicultural Affairs is allowed to have multiple fraternities and sororities. Does anyone else thing that is fair? The African American population I feel is distanced enough from the rest of the student body; their Greek system just makes the situation worse. Instead of what is already in place, there should be an all or none policy; either everyone can join in the Greek system or no one can.

Now, these aren’t the only things I find wrong with Xavier but I believe they are some of the most important. So you can expect me to write on these subjects at more length as well as other pressing issues in the near future. I will not stand for these grievances to continue and my fellow students, neither should you.


SAC/SGA should buy us beer

I am a college student.
I have a limited amount of money.
I am currently hungry.
I drink a lot of beer.
These statements are directly related.

A major component of college life is the consumption of cheap/bad food. Its not like college students have a lot of options when we have a budget of roughly $2 per meal. College students have to be frugal with their food choices, as there are a lot of other things we have to purchase. Of course, when I say "a lot of things" I really mean "beer."

Fig. 1.1 A typical lunch for college students

However, Xavier's Student Government Association (SGA) and Student Activities Council (SAC) seem to have quite a bit of money that they apparently have no idea what to do with. How else would one explain this announcement on the portal:
A Xavier Christmas will be held on Monday, 12/4 beginning at 4:30pm. A live nativity scene with petting zoo animals will be on the greenspace from 4:30-6:30pm; luminaries, free hot coffee and cocoa at 5pm and Gospel Choir performance and speakers Steven Bentley and Father Graham at 5:30pm. Join us inside GSC after the lighting of the Sally Watson tree for pictures with Santa for $1 and free soup.

Just to clarify, SGA/SAC has paid money in order to bring petting zoo animals to a college campus. While I'm sure this would be a smash hit if Xavier had a kindergarten program, I don't necessarily see this event being that popular unless it involved students getting drunk and riding llamas around the greenspace. Unfortunately, this is probably not realistic, and the most exciting thing that will probably happen at this petting zoo/nativity scene is a goat defecating.

Fig. 1.2 A defecating goat

Instead of using their money to purchase defecating goats, SGA/SAC should give students beer. That way, we would be able to use the money in our respective beer funds to purchase food that isn't made from the spare parts of a pig. Its really a win-win for everyone, especially the guy who has to clean up goat shit.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Rocks Don't Get Sympathy From Glass Houses

After picking up the latest publication of "The Xavier Newswire" this week, there was one article that caught my eye in particular. In the Op-Ed section of the paper, a student wrote in to comment on Xavier's efforts in catering to the GLBT community at Xavier. While the student acknowledged that Xavier has taken steps to accommodate this group of bacon sandwich loving students, he felt that it was possible for more to be done. The complete article entitled "Doing our best?" can be found at "The Xavier Newswire" website and here’s how I feel about it.
First off, let’s have a quick lesson about knowing the audience you are petitioning. I never once heard of Hitler asking for prayers or money from a Jew. Both requests would be ludicrous and, obviously, not granted. That being said, it clearly sounds like a good idea to write into Xavier’s school paper asking for more support for the Catholic church’s favorite thing: homosexuality. (Please overlook recent scandals and take the previous comment as extreme sarcasm.)
Xavier already supports "The Alliance," a group that is "the primary forum for discussion and education of gay issues on campus, as well as being a useful resource for students, faculty, and staff." Hopes that a Catholic institution would more than simply allow efforts for the acceptance of homosexuals in our society either means that you aren’t that intelligent or else you think the Catholic church isn’t that intelligent (It’s really a toss up at this point.)
Furthermore, I recall living in the dorms freshman year and taking a survey where I was asked to state my gender. The options were as follows:
1. Male
2. Female
3. Transgender
Xavier University is willing to let the hermaphroditic she-males among us have a voice and that’s not sympathetic enough? My computer, as I type this, doesn’t even understand the word transgender! I have squiggly red lines all over the place because apparently Bill Gates is an unsympathetic, homophobic billionaire.
At this point I need to clarify that I do not hate homosexuals and I definitely enjoy a good BLT from time to time. That being said, let’s not be so touchy about everything. The Alliance doesn’t have it’s own office space because there’s no room right now at Xavier. The group was formed in 2001 and isn’t quite top priority yet. If Xavier really was against homosexuals, they would give The Alliance a really nice office far off campus. Then, they wouldn’t have to see any of you nearly as often as they do now. Society’s acceptance of homosexuals is still in the process. Keep doing what you’re doing and it will all work out one day. Until then, it’s "All for one, and one for all."

The Xavier Hypocrisy

Welcome to Free Xavier! ( And more importantly welcome to my (Aramis’) first article. Webster's Dictionary defines the word hypocrisy as...... haha, right. Only high school kids start an article with crap like that and I go to Xavier University so I am as far from highschool as possible, right?
False, as it turns out. Xavier University is simply among the largest highschool's in the nation with a student body more immature and full of shit than most. You would think Facebook was the only medium that gave a damn about Johnny and Melissa being single again (unless Melissa is really hot) and Susie starting the 56th duplicate group about how great "Family Guy" is (unless Susie is really hot). However, as I have come to discover over the years at Xavier, anything that happens in my life is somehow newsworthy to a large number of the Xavier public. I, therefore, feel the need to lay down some ground rules on what is and is not newsworthy in hopes that this standard will catch on with my fellow Muskies. For starters, the following items can be considered newsworthy:
1.) Any student having sex with a professor.
2.) Any information that could potentially get an RA who is a really big asshole fired.
3.) Tortilla soup day in the caf.


Now, to outline those items that don't quite make the list of worthy news.
1.) A non-student was confronted by police in the C-1 lot and escorted off campus.
2.) "O my God! I saw Johnny and Melissa holding hands! Maybe they're getting back together."
3.) The act of wiping ones ass.
I feel much better now that I have cleared that up. With that problem addressed I can focus on what the title of the article suggested I would. I have come to discover that, for whatever reason, Xavier students, or the majority thereof, are here under a false pretense: Xavier is a great University.
Xavier is merely a GOOD University with average professors, average academics, average students, and an above average ability to convince people that Xavier is above average. I was a relatively unimpressive student in high school and, while I have enjoyed friends and family thinking I go to a great college, I have yet to be convinced of that myself. That sums up point number one. You are not better than anyone else just because you go to Xavier.
Next, being completely against something is just as much of an extreme as being completely for something. If you are upset about all Miami students being collar popping frat boys, that’s one thing. That does not, however, give you the right to think no one at Xavier can pop their collar. Furthermore, making fun of the 90% of Miami students who participate in Greek life doesn’t make you better. If anything, it makes you jealous. We have no Greek life whatsoever and are just as extreme as our alleged enemies to the north.
That’s really all I have to rant about for now so until next time, it’s "All for one, and one for all."