Saturday, March 24, 2007

Get Busy Livin'...

As I read through the police notes in the Xavier Newswire over a week ago, a particular note happened to catch my eye. According to the student run publication, four "subjects" were reported for trying to move a boulder into the middle of Dana Avenue. While this was obviously an incredibly stupid idea, I still find myself wanting to support the actions of these students. We’re in college (allegedly) and students should be doing stupid shit like this.

Xavier students are increasingly demonstrating Sisyphusian tendencies.

Let’s cut to 20 years in the future. You’re forty-something, sitting at home, watching reruns of Boy Meets World because you feel like something went wrong in your life and you must have misunderstood Mr. Feeny’s lessons. You hate your job, your wife is probably a bitch, and ever since your son, Little Johnny Jr., turned 6 years old he decided that hitting you in the nuts is more entertaining than Sponge Bob. The only thing that will get you through your hellish existence is college memories.

Thank Krishna that you have me here to get your life on track. It’s not too late to create these memories as long as you’re willing to get a little crazy. Get in fights when some douche bag at a party starts to piss you off. Drink so much that you have to talk to your roommates in the morning to figure out how the night ended. Go streaking, smoke weed, spend money you don’t even have, take the walk of shame every once in a while (what's really more shameful: ass from a stranger or your roommate catching you whacking off). Some people even move past 1st base during their college years.

Now I’m not telling you to run through your dorm after you finish reading this, knocking on all the doors until you gather enough people for an orgy. That’s senior type stuff anyway, we’re talking three hundred course level craziness. Just start out slow and don’t be afraid to have fun. Hopefully, if any of you readers (the "readers" I refer to may or may not exist) follow this advice then the police notes will be just a little more interesting in weeks to come. And maybe, just maybe, Xavier student life will follow.

People still care what we think?

As you can see from an editorial published in this week's Xavier Newswire, people are still talking about us, spefically "An Ode to Oden."

We could say more about this, but we figure that since this editorial is like the first supportive thing we've read about ourselves thus far, we'll try and let it speak for itself.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Chinese Food: Deadlier than Bird Flu?

With Xavier’s newest addition to campus dining having recently opened, many students will undoubtedly be trying the Blue Gibbon Chinese Restaurant’s fine cuisine over the next few days. That being said, I feel a few words of warning are necessary to any prospective restaurant goers. Chinese food WILL KILL YOU!

The chopstick is mightier than the sword

According to an Associated Press article “The typical Chinese restaurant menu is a sea of nutritional no-nos...” The article went on to add “A plate of General Tso's chicken, for example, is loaded with about 40 percent more sodium and more than half the calories an average adult needs for an entire day.” I don’t know about you, reader, but I was SHOCKED to find out how unhealthy this particular dining experience may be.

Every time I order the shrimp fried rice from Happy Wok, sure I worry I may get food poisoning. And every time I take a bite of Main Moon’s Mongolian beef, do I know for sure that I’m not consuming a bit of seasoned schnauzer? Of course not. But if you’re trying to tell me that deep fried pieces of chicken covered in a sweet syrupy glaze could be a potential health risk, well I’m just not buying it Miss Bonnie Liebman (nutrition director of the Center for Science in the Public Interest). I refuse to give any more credence to your craziness by supporting your hocus pocus theories.

And as for you China... I knew all along you were stealing our jobs by trying to convince us to outsource to your country. And not just the Mexican type jobs either, but the really good ones too. It also didn’t go unnoticed that you were trying to take over the world with your crazy communist ideas. But if I find out that you are attempting to kill me with your delicious yet deadly food... Well that’ll be the last straw. Until then China, thanks for most of my shoes, my car, and any children’s toy I’ve ever bought that only cost $0.99.

It's all downhill from here probably

I know Aramis just promised there would be no more posts relating to "An Ode to Oden," but frankly, that'd be like telling Trent Dilfer to talk about something besides winning the Super Bowl.

Anyway, over the last few days, while I've been trying to reconcile myself with the fact that more than 5 people visited this blog, I've been doing a lot of soul searching. And by soul searching I mean trying to determine the answer to the question, "If FreeXavier was a musical group, what musical group would it be?"

After contemplating this for 3 seconds, the answer seems obvious. The muscial group equivalent to FreeXavier is....

If you think about it, it makes perfect sense. An obscure group, who out of nowhere, gets enormous attention for something small, and never had a prayer of repeating that level of success/popularity. Though I guess if anyone were to actually think about any of this, they'd probably be committing suicide within the hour due to the overwhelming patheticness of their existence.


I can't deny it, I'm a blog writer, You don't wanna blog with me

I hope to be done talking about the "Ode to Oden" article after this post but why not take one last look at it in order to make fun of some people stupid enough to disagree with me on my own blog. I mean really, did you think you would get away with it? A big "Thank you" goes out to, Musketeer Madness, and FlyersFieldhouse for the free publicity for our relatively unknown site.

We have mad street cred now yo.

- Allflyernamesaregone on Flyers Fieldhouse had this to say: "Homophobia and stupidity...well, what else would you expect from a Xavier fan."
Well Allflyer, I personally would expect an ass beating as part of the XU-UD tradition as of late. I’d also expect that the Xavier fan was doing my girl friend because if I went to UD I’d be far too drunk 99% of the time to keep up a meaningful relationship. The latter is actually a compliment. Seriously... Xavier needs more parties.

- An anonymous poster on FreeXavier said: "You are the lowest form of life. I can see that you make a sick attempt to be edgy and funny but, it was completely out of line and not funny. Do us all a favor and take a good hard look at yourself in mirror and do some soul searching. We have enough unfunny keyboard tough guys on the internet."
Excellent anonymous advice. I tried to look "in mirror" at myself and do some soul searching. Unfortunately, being the lowest form of life, I am some kind of one prokaryotic cell who is incapable of both. Sucks to be me.

- Another anonymous individual on Free Xavier posted: "Maybe if your coach knew his elbows from his asshole he would have fouled after the miss free throw..."
Funny you mentioned this. Just the other day I accidentally opened an occupied stall in Xavier’s student center only to find a student kneeling in front of the toilet, elbows extended over the bowl trying to take a crap. Apparently, it isn’t just our coach who is afflicted with this horrible condition.

- TheGreatOne posted this comment on "Xavier is jealous because most of their women have facial hair like Oden and none of the basketball talent."
That is a flat out LIE! Quite a few of our female students are very athletic including on the basketball court.

-BigTenObsession responded to a comment by the blogger Lady Andrea by saying: "Andie, any time you mention the word 'job' you make a lot of boys happy."
I still don’t get why people think bloggers are creepy, lonely guys who live with their parents and do nothing but sit in front of a computer all day long. Damn stereotypes.

- The bloggers of Musketeer Madness had... absolutely nothing worthwhile to say on the topic. The exception here is Chris Burch. He supports us apparently while still understanding that we here at FreeXavier are a bunch of idiots who aren’t trying to change the world, just make fun of some people. He gets it... Why can’t the rest of you?

And to those of you who were completely outraged by our blog, thank you for voicing your outrage thereby keeping the discussions on the various websites alive so that more people could read our blog and in turn be outraged which resulted in more posts of anger and outrage and... O my God! How do I finish this sentence???

Has anyone seen Porthos?

Has anyone seen anyone resembling this caricature of our anonymous blogger?

The other night, while Aramis and I were reveling in the glory of being lambasted by mostly illiterate, hypersensitive OSU fans, we got a little bit carried away, and we lost track of our colleauge, Porthos. We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause anyone, but it looks like this is going to be a two musketeer show for awhile. Though I guess for like 4 months it was a 0 musketeer show. I'm sure you'll cope.

Porthos is about 6 ft. tall and dresses like a 18th Century French soldier (he especially likes the crotch-hugging pants, as depicted above). Any help you could provide in this matter would be appreciated.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

I Know You Are But What Am I???

When I wrote "An Ode To Oden" last night, I never imagined that it would end up on Furthermore, I could not have foreseen the outpouring of comments that would spew forth from the internet blogger community. Therefore, I was pleasantly surprised when I read all the comments posted on the both Deadspin as well as Freexavier. I came up with the article name "An Ode To Oden" at the last second before posting not knowing how perfect the name would fit in the end.

The comments that were posted seemed to fall into one of the following categories:
1. You sir are an illiterate assbag as well as a whiny little bitch. Shut the fuck up. (1st place for most common response)
2. FreeXavier is a disgrace to Xavier and you should be ashamed of what you wrote.
3. I agree, it was a flagrant foul and Oden is a douche bag. (I think about 2 people went this route.)

Pro-Ohio St. blog commenters discuss their battle plans

Excitingly enough, I have a response for each of the above groups so here goes.
Group 1: Congratulations. You proved my point better than anyone else. Your vulgar ranting about what an ass I am puts you on the same level as me for writing the article. The only difference is that I angered a lot of you with my words and you humored me with yours. For as angry as some of you got about what I said, I’m glad I could give you that feeling. It’s exactly how Xavier fans felt watching their team lose a game that they obviously deserved to win.
Group 2: Xavier is a Jesuit institution and while attending this school, I have had the pleasure to meet some great individuals who are a lot better human beings than I will ever hope to be. I apologize if you feel I brought shame to you. With that in mind, guess what Oden did... That’s right. Playing in such a thug-like manner disgraced The Ohio State University and it’s fans. It should also bring shame to OSU that they needed to win that way against a team that is extremely untalented according to all the posts I read.
Group 3: When I completed my post I read over it and I said to myself "Wow, this is really over the top." I posted it anyway because it was exactly what I had intended to write and I’m glad you agree with what I said. While I’m about to use this whole experience to prove a point, I would be lying if I acted like my article wasn’t based on what a no talent ass clown I think Greg Oden is.

Alright, so let’s recap what I did with my article. I invoked anger in an opposing schools fans, I took cheap shots at the opposition and I disgraced my own school. That’s why "An Ode To Oden" was such a fitting name for the article. Simply by chance, the article became exactly what Oden is.

A few side notes in response to some posts I read:
- It was a flagrant foul. I don’t see how you can argue that.
- We’ve dominated Dayton so bad in recent years that I think they are starting to like it. I found some latex outfits as well as whips and chains in their closet.
- You can’t bring up how ugly Xavier students are when talking about Greg Oden. I mean really... Have you SEEN Greg Oden?
- Miller should have fouled and I did not address that point because A.) Xavier fans know what loyalty is and B) Thinking about it makes me want to cry.
-Don’t say "Make a fucking foul shot." Justin Cage played one of the greatest basketball games I’ll ever see anyone play. That one foul shot is perhaps the only thing he did wrong all game and he will be missed greatly by Xavier.
- Noone disagreed with, argued with, or even mentioned that I said Adam Morrison is a douche bag. Now that’s strange...

People care what we think?

So I'm sitting in class today when I get a text message that informs me that the superb picked up a blog post we made last night. This is suprising for multiple reasons:

-it was our first post in months
-Deadspin is an excellent, widely read sports blog
-We run a shitty, half-assed blog that seemingly wouldn't be on Will Leitch's radar screen
-To me at least, "An Ode to Oden" is simply a Xavier student blowing off some steam at an opposing basketball player

Once I sat down and read the comments both on Deadspin and the ones left on our site, I've determined several things, including:

-Many Ohio St. fans read sports blogs a lot
-Many Ohio St. fans have nothing better to do read sports blogs a lot
-Many Ohio St. fans who have nothing better to do than read sports blogs a lot apparently think that they are superior to everyone else, even though it seems like many of them slack off at work and read sports blogs. Ohio St. doesn't teach work ethic or ambition apparently.

Anyway, I think XavierMusketeer said it best on Deadspin, when he noted that "Free Xavier does not speak for all of us." A truer statement has never been made. We here at FreeXavier speak for our own whiny, dickish, selves, and absolutely no one else. If this post had been published in the Xavier Newswire, it would be different. We speak for Xavier University in the same way a boisterous, drunken garbageman speaks for his municipal government. Frankly, anyone who took "An Ode for Oden" seriously probably has an IQ similar to Greg Oden's uniform number.

Go X!

An Ode to Oden

Dear Mr. Oden,

You are a big ugly untalented piece of shit. Just because Thad Matta likes it rough when you give it to him up the ass does not give you the right to rough people up in the same manner on the basketball court. I hope you have an allergic reaction to the lube you and your boyfriend use in your next homosexual love fest. There is no doubt in my mind you will follow in the footsteps of the last alleged superstar to face Xavier in the tournament (Adam “douche bag” Morrison) and go on to be one of the worst players in the NBA. Let’s look at the overwhelming similarities already present.

Mr. Oden reminds the lady in pink of her last boyfriend.

Similarity #1:
If we are all created in the image and likeness of God, you both were most likely modeled after his taint.

Similarity #2: You are both cheap little bitches on the court. I’m talking Made in Taiwan cheap, dirty smelly hooker cheap, maybe even as cheap as Zoe Oden (that’s his mom for those keeping score at home). In fact, I bet that is why your parents got divorced Greg. Your dad didn’t like her job. I don’t mean to say that it bothered him that she is a dirty whore, just that she was only pulling down $0.75 a day doing it. I can imagine her standing on the corner, perfecting her sales pitch. “Fuck the starving children in third world countries, for just 75 cents a day you can pop this pussy.”

Similarity #3: Neither of you will ever amount to anything. I really hope you do leave for the NBA draft after this year not aware of what an untalented son of a whore you are only to beome the biggest disappointment in the history of OSU. You will undoubtedly do nothing in your life other than break Maurice Clarett’s record as the largest fuck up in your piece of shit school’s history. Then again, why not leave for the NBA. It isn’t like you are you going to learn anything in college anyway. After all, that is why they teach people to read at an early age... It’s a lot harder to pick up later on in life.

Hopefully, you will find someone you can trust to read your contract to you before you sign with any NBA teams. My only advice to you: Don’t pick Thad Matta. Even if you two like to experiment in bed, I guarantee he will fuck you in the ass in a way you didn’t even know was possible.

Aramis Muskie

P.S. By no means do I have any intention of offending any member of the gay community by comparing them to Greg Oden. I would never want to do such a horrible thing.