Thursday, March 22, 2007

Chinese Food: Deadlier than Bird Flu?

With Xavier’s newest addition to campus dining having recently opened, many students will undoubtedly be trying the Blue Gibbon Chinese Restaurant’s fine cuisine over the next few days. That being said, I feel a few words of warning are necessary to any prospective restaurant goers. Chinese food WILL KILL YOU!

The chopstick is mightier than the sword

According to an Associated Press article “The typical Chinese restaurant menu is a sea of nutritional no-nos...” The article went on to add “A plate of General Tso's chicken, for example, is loaded with about 40 percent more sodium and more than half the calories an average adult needs for an entire day.” I don’t know about you, reader, but I was SHOCKED to find out how unhealthy this particular dining experience may be.

Every time I order the shrimp fried rice from Happy Wok, sure I worry I may get food poisoning. And every time I take a bite of Main Moon’s Mongolian beef, do I know for sure that I’m not consuming a bit of seasoned schnauzer? Of course not. But if you’re trying to tell me that deep fried pieces of chicken covered in a sweet syrupy glaze could be a potential health risk, well I’m just not buying it Miss Bonnie Liebman (nutrition director of the Center for Science in the Public Interest). I refuse to give any more credence to your craziness by supporting your hocus pocus theories.

And as for you China... I knew all along you were stealing our jobs by trying to convince us to outsource to your country. And not just the Mexican type jobs either, but the really good ones too. It also didn’t go unnoticed that you were trying to take over the world with your crazy communist ideas. But if I find out that you are attempting to kill me with your delicious yet deadly food... Well that’ll be the last straw. Until then China, thanks for most of my shoes, my car, and any children’s toy I’ve ever bought that only cost $0.99.